Pants Wars: A new Pair
by tulzdavampslayer
Summary: What would happen if you swapped words in Star Wars to the word... Pants....


Disclaimer: Okay, okay. I'm not George Lucas, as you have probably already guessed. I don't own Star Wars or anything like that, and I wasn't the 1st to come up with the idea of 'Pants Wars'. BUT I'm the 1st to take this to the next level, that of course being this. The name 'Pants Wars' is also mine. Hopefully, my next work will be slightly more original…  
  
Story: What story? This is just a series of quotes/scenarios from the series of movies "Star Wars" where you can change a word to 'Pants'. It's that simple. Not exactly creative, but good for a laugh I suppose. Plz R & R.  
  
Okaly dokaly, let's get to it!  
  
Pants Wars  
  
A new Pair…  
  
"A long time ago, in a pair of Pants far, far  
  
away..." Sorry. That one was too easy.  
  
"It is a period of civil war. Rebel  
  
Pants, striking from a hidden  
  
base, have won their first victory  
  
against the evil Galactic Empire.  
  
During the battle, Rebel spies managed  
  
to steal secret Pants to the Empire's  
  
ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an  
  
armored space station with enough  
  
power to destroy an entire pair of Pants." Well, doesn't THAT suck?  
  
"Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents,  
  
Princess Leia races home aboard her  
  
starship, custodian of the stolen Pants  
  
that can save her people and restore  
  
Pants to the galaxy..."  
  
C3-P0 – We're Pants! Okay, I'll stop with the easy ones now… NOT!  
  
Vader: What have you done with those Pants? I was going to wear them tomorrow, but now you've spilled coke all over them… okay, I've stopped.  
  
Vader: Commander, tear apart these Pants until you've found those plans.  
  
Stormtrooper: Inform Lord Vader we have Pants. Good for you…  
  
C3P0 – What Pants?  
  
C3P0 – That's Funny, the Pants don't look so bad from out here.  
  
Vader: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. Sorry, but that one was so good, I just left it as is.  
  
C3P0 – And don't let me catch you following me begging for Pants, because you won't get them.  
  
StormTrooper: Someone was in the Pants.  
  
Another StormTrooper: Look sir – Pants! Yes. Those are pants. Congratulations…  
  
C3P0: Now, don't forget this! Why I should stick my Pants out for you is quite beyond my capacity!  
  
C3P0: Is there anything I might do to help? *Luke looks at C3P0 * Yes there is… he he he…  
  
Luke: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good. See? I don't even have to do anything to some of these. What was George Lucas on? I want some.  
  
C3P0: Just you reconsider playing that message for him.  
  
R2: Beep?  
  
C3P0: No, I don't think he likes you at all.  
  
R2: Beep?  
  
C3P0: No, I don't like you either. Aww… don't be mean to r2, or I'll… I'll… wait. He's a film character. I can't do anything to him. Except insult him! Over and over and over… yay.  
  
Luke: He knew my Pants?  
  
Aunt Beru: Luke's not much of a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his Pants in him.  
  
Uncle Owen: That's what I'm afraid of. Aren't we all?  
  
C3P0: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his Pants.  
  
Luke: I only hope we can get back before Uncle Owen really blows up. Whoah… talk about foreshadowing.  
  
Luke: What is it?  
  
Obi-Wan: Your Father's Pants. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Eww.  
  
Luke: Alderaan? No, I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home. No, boy! Now get in the car, and nothing bad will happen to you. MWAHAHA!  
  
Obi-Wan: Learn about the Pants, Luke.  
  
Admiral Motti: Dangerous to your Pants, Commander; not to this battle station!  
  
Vader: The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Pants. Hmm… Should I worry yet?  
  
Vader: And now, your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel Pants.  
  
Obi-Wan: There's nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would now be in the Pants of the Empire. Again with the yuk.  
  
Obi-Wan: You don't need to see his Pants.  
  
StormTrooper: We don't need to see his Pants.  
  
Obi-Wan: These aren't the Pants you're looking for.  
  
StormTrooper: These aren't the Pants we're looking for.  
  
Luke: I'm ready for Pants. Well, that's… good… Luke…  
  
Bartender: We don't serve their Pants here! Well, that's a good policy, since Pants DON'T DRINK!  
  
Luke: What?  
  
Bartender: Your Pants. They'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here.  
  
Obi-Wan: Is this a Bar or a Brothel?  
  
Luke: Huh? Br… What?  
  
Creature (From the Black Lagoon! Sorry.): Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!? Translation: (to the tune of 'Spam') Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants Pants… okay. I'm done now.  
  
Bartender: No Pants! No Pants! What's with this guy?  
  
Obi-Wan: This is Chewbacca. He's first mate on a ship that might suit our Pants.  
  
Luke: Well, that's good, cause I sure wouldn't want the colour scheme to clash like last time…  
  
Han: Chewie here tells me you're looking for Pants to the Alderaan system. Yeah, that one's pretty pathetic, but hey!  
  
Han: She's fast enough for you, old man.  
  
Obi-Wan: That's it! Now I KNOW I'm in a brothel!  
  
Han: What's the cargo?  
  
Obi-Wan: Only passengers. Myself, the Pants, two droids, and no questions asked.  
  
Obi-Wan: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial Pants.  
  
Han: Yeah I know. I used to be a cadet there, and boy! Did those pants chafe!  
  
Obi-Wan: Not to mention they're rather tight.  
  
Han: Have you seen MY Pants? They're much MUCH tighter, and I'd much prefer these to that stupid Imperial brand!  
  
Luke: And the price!  
  
Yeah, that's enough.  
  
Luke: Ten Thousand? We could almost buy our one Pants with that!  
  
Obi-Wan: You'll have to sell your Pants.  
  
Han: Tell Jabba that I've got his Pants.  
  
Han: Sorry about the Pants. Yeah, so am I. Well, not really.  
  
Vader: It will be some time before we can extract any Pants from her. She's your daughter!  
  
C3P0: You watch your Pants!  
  
Jabba: If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of Pants.  
  
Han: I just need some more Pants.  
  
Han: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts. Again, eww. I've added some special Pants myself.  
  
C3P0: Hello Pants. Hello C3P0. Wait a sec!  
  
Stormtrooper: Which Pants?  
  
Cloaked elephant thing: Point! Pointy point point! By the way, he's pointing.  
  
Stormtrooper: All right men. Load your Pants!  
  
Han: Looks like an Imperial Cruiser. Our Pants much be hotter than we thought.  
  
Leia: Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul pants the moment I was brought on board.  
  
Tarkin: No star system will dare oppose the Pants now.  
  
Leia: The more you tighten your Pants, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.  
  
Tarkin: Well, aren't we being all suggestive? I'll show you 'star systems', woman!  
  
Eww.  
  
Leia: (softly) Pants. They're on Pants. Well, I'm on ecstasy, but we all choose our demons.  
  
Obi-Wan: I felt a great disturbance in the Pants. Again, eww.  
  
Obi-Wan: You'd better get on with your Pants.  
  
1 Luke: But the dress pattern is so much nicer…  
  
Han: Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee.  
  
C3P0: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.  
  
Han: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's Pants out of their socket when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.  
  
C3P0: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let the Wookiee win.  
  
Obi-Wan: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Pants flowing through him.  
  
Obi-Wan: Your Pants can deceive you. Don't trust them.  
  
Luke: But you just said… Never mind. You're just a crazy old man with a pants fetish.  
  
Obi-Wan: Stretch out with your Pants.  
  
Han: Our position is correct; but no Pants!  
  
2 Luke: Stupid Karma Sutra!  
  
Obi-Wan: Turn the Pants around!  
  
Officer: To your Pants!  
  
Vader: They must be trying to return the stolen Pants to the Princess!  
  
Vader: Did you find any Pants?  
  
Vader: I sense something… A presence I haven't sensed since… Oh Obi-Wan, why did you abandon me? I loved you so much!  
  
Sorry. That was a bit low. He he… get it low? Sorry.  
  
Luke: Boy, it's lucky you had these Pants!  
  
Han: Damn Pants.  
  
Han: Hey down there. Could you give us a hand with this? Umm… Let's see… hmm… how about… No!  
  
Luke: I want to go with you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the Pants.  
  
Luke: But he can...  
  
Obi-Wan: They must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Alderaan. Your Pants lie along a different path from mine. The Pants will be with you  
  
... always!  
  
Luke: Ben is a great man.  
  
Han: Yeah, great at getting us into Pants. Um, I didn't want to know that…  
  
Han: Pants?  
  
Luke: Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be…  
  
Han: What?  
  
Luke: Well, more Pants than you can imagine.  
  
Han: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.  
  
Intercom: What happened?  
  
Han: Uh… had a slight Pants malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?  
  
Leia: You're who?  
  
3 Luke: I'm a stupid kid! La la la…  
  
Leia: Um… Han? Help? Please?  
  
Vader: He is here.  
  
Tarkin: Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so?  
  
Vader: A tremor in the Pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.  
  
4 Tarkin: So these last few months have meant nothing to you? You bastard.  
  
Vader: Well, seeing I have no father, I think that comment stands.  
  
Vader: Don't underestimate the Pants.  
  
Han: (sarcastically) Maybe you'd like it better back in your Pants, Your Highness.  
  
Leia: No, I'm fine. (Grins)  
  
Luke: Uh, I don't get it.  
  
StormTrooper: Open up in there!  
  
Han: Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!  
  
Chewie: If this ain't animal abuse, I don't know what is.  
  
Leia: Put that thing away!  
  
Luke: The Pants are moving!  
  
5 Leia: D'ya have to announce it to the whole world?  
  
*The walls are only feet apart. Leia and Han are braced against the walls. The princess is frightened. They look at each other. Leia reaches out and takes Han's hand and holds it tightly. * As you may have already noticed, I am a BIG Leia/Han fan. Yay!  
  
C3P0: Curse my metal Pants! I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault!  
  
Leia: Will someone please get these walking Pants out of my way?  
  
Trooper: Give me regular Pants.  
  
Leia: He certainly has Pants.  
  
Luke: Here, hold this.  
  
6 Leia: what? No way! I've only known you for a few minutes!  
  
7 This is my fave bit in this movie  
  
Trooper: Close the Blast Doors! *the blast doors close * Open the Blast Doors! Open the Blast Doors!  
  
8 Nyehehe… sorry, I just love that bit…  
  
Vader: Your Pants are weak, old man.  
  
Obi-Wan: *in a cockney accent * If you strike me Pants, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine.  
  
Han: What kept you?  
  
Leia: We ran into some old Pants.  
  
9 Luke: And I just thought to myself, geez, these things need a good wash!  
  
10 Leia: *throws herself at Han * SAVE ME PLEASE!!!  
  
Han: (to Luke) You in, kid? Okay, stay sharp! Isn't it interesting that so many of these don't have to be changed at all? They're just wrong, all on their own little lonesomes…  
  
Han: You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.  
  
Leia: It's not over yet!  
  
Han: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the Pants! Cause you just gotta love those tight leather ones the Rebels give out for rescued POWs…  
  
Willard: (to Leia) When we heard about Alderaan, we were afraid that you were... lost along with your Pants.  
  
11 Leia: wah? *looks down * oh… yeah, forgot about that…  
  
Wedge: Look at the size of that thing! Snort  
  
Officer: We've picked up a number of Pants. But they're so small we can't keep track of them.  
  
Tarkin: Evacuate? In our Pants of Triumph? I think not!  
  
Obi-Wan: Luke, trust the Pants.  
  
*Grand Moff Tarkin casts a sinister eye at the computer screen. * Yes, Tarkin, you just keep that up. You'll be dead in a minute, but no matter. You be sinister all you want.  
  
Luke: Blasted Pants. Where are you?  
  
Han: Yahoo! *blows up other TIE fighter * Now let' blow this thing and go home!  
  
12 Luke: Well, sure!  
  
*Death Star Blows up *  
  
13 Luke: oh, you meant the Death Star…  
  
Leia: (to Han) I knew there was more to you than Pants.  
  
Ending thingymabob  
  
Chewie: GROWL (translation: again to the tune of SPAM = Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants, Pants,…)  
  
  
  
The End…. Or IS it?  
  
MWAHAHAHA!!! Now you have to put up with more! This is just… the beginning!  
  
  
  
  
  
….  
  
  
  
(of the end) 


End file.
